


I'm Fine

by EscapingArtist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Good Draco Malfoy, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, They are going to be ok, learning to cope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:41:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22203520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingArtist/pseuds/EscapingArtist
Summary: Hermione is fine. Everything is fine. Did she mention that she is fine? But, Draco Malfoy sees the truth
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy
Comments: 13
Kudos: 23





	I'm Fine

She lay the quill out neatly in line with the parchment and pile of memos. Glancing at the clock she took a deep breath and nodded decisively. The nod, though, seemed to shake something loose in her brain. Things started sliding around, clanging as they ricochet off each other. She rubbed her eyes as if the pressure could put everything back in place. Lists, lists worked. Drawing the parchment closer she hovered her quill over the page. “To Dos” floated up but even the simplest seemed overwhelming and like even the act of writing it down would create an insurmountable task. Laying down the quill she dropped her head back in her hands.

A knock at the door made her sit bolt upright. Harry’s tousled head peered around the frame “Mione!” he said cheerfully “How are you?”

“Fine” she smiled “You?”

“Brilliant!” he grinned “This weekend Ginny and I are….”

Her mind started to slide away as he kept prattling on. His voice seemed to clash directly into her other thoughts and it was all so noisy. She smiled gamely, trying to keep up with things and at least nod in the right places. When he left she began to march through her tasks. Ticking off things steadily, not veering, in an effort to keep it all contained.

**

At 5:00pm it was Ron who barged into her office “Happy hour!” He announced gleefully and Hermione nearly groaned. “Now Mione” he admonished “You promised. No excuses.” She swallowed it back, after all she didn’t have a reason not to go…not really.

Crammed into a booth at the Leakey she smiled, feeling warm surrounded by her friends. Ginny bumped her shoulder and asked in a low voice “Any better this week Mi?”

Hermione bit her lip and sighed “Yes? No? Maybe? I’m sure I’m just not getting enough sleep and all that. No need to go down THAT conversational road again.”

“Self care” Ginny said wisely “Get a manicure, maybe exercise.” Hermione forced a laugh in agreement and tried to join the conversation again but her efforts lurched and seemed as clumsy and uncertain as her broom riding. So, she soon lapsed into silence, nodding and smiling at her friends instead.

**

Staring up in the dark she tried to breathe like the therapist had taught her. Quiet her mind. It didn’t seem to be working, but somehow she fell asleep.

**

The lunch options blurred together and she reached out blindingly, muttering to herself and looking down as she turned to find a table. Neatly polished shoes appeared in her line of vision and her gaze traveled up to the cool grey eyes of Draco Malfoy. “Hermione” he said courteously “How are you?”

“Fine” she said with a brittle cheerfulness.

He paused, raising an eyebrow and considering her. “Bullshit” he announced calmly and her mouth dropped open. “I see you” he said, so quietly she almost missed it “If you want to answer truthfully, I”ll listen.” He bowed politely and turned away, leaving Hermione to stare after him, her thoughts still whirring but in a more organized swirl.

**

It wasn’t hard to spot the blond head moving through the Atrium. “Malfoy!” she called after him “Draco!” she corrected, remembering her promise to try and use his given name. He turned and smiled and something sparked and fizzed inside her at how genuine it looked. He waited while she caught up and her words tumbled out in a rush. “Do you ever have one of those days where someone asks how you are doing and you almost tell them the truth?” Draco huffed a laugh and nodded.

“Coffee” he said decisively “Diagon. The Witches’ Brew.” She nodded and watched as he was swallowed up by the floo before following after.

**

Hermione scrutinized the steam coming off her mug. She sipped and stole a sideways glance at Draco. He walked with purpose, even though as far as she knew they were just wandering. She opened her mouth a few times, trying to figure out what to say, but the words stuck. “How did you know I wasn’t really fine.” She finally blurted out.

He looked off into the distance, like he was contemplating what to say. “I told you” he finally answered “I see you.”

“Ok Slytherin” she shot back “You’ll have to be a bit less cryptic for me.”

Draco rolled his eyes “Really Granger?” he drawled “We were ‘gifted’ those distinctions at 11, are you still boxing everyone in based on them?”

“Happens to me daily.” She muttered and he laughed and nudged her shoulder gently “It’s just” she said and lapsed into silence. “Nothing. It’s stupid. I’m FINE. I’ve got a job, friends. Heck” She added with a grin “even some friends who used to be mortal enemies.” Draco smiled but didn’t answer and Hermione’s hand trembled slightly. The words were pushing at her lips and she finally let them out. “My brain feels like the enemy sometimes.” She wouldn’t meet his eye “It’s been my ally my whole life and now.” She gestured helplessly. “I kept Ron and Harry alive through a war and now, basic decisions leave me paralyzed. But, it’s just, it’s not like I have any reason. Ugh, I’m just being needy and dramatic.” She took another sip from her cup to try and still her trembling hands.

***

Draco looked at the brunette next to him. The curls covering her face but not hiding the tense set of her shoulders and the rapid rise and fall of her chest. He didn’t know what he wanted to do first. Punch her so called best friends in the face for not seeing her pain, grab a time turner so the war never happened or wrap his arms around her and never let go.

He took a careful sip and said almost casually “Since good prevailed it seemed like everything would right itself. Slowly, but eventually, it would all smooth over and go back to being ok.” He heard her sharp intake of breath “But, it won’t.” He continued “You’d never tell someone who lost a limb in the war ‘oh, it’ll all go back to how it was eventually.’ You can be full and satisfied and have an amazingly rich existence…but its ludicrous to think it would be exactly the same. So, why would we demand that of our thoughts and feelings? It took me a long time to come to terms with that” he added quietly.

Hermione stopped suddenly, like she’d been petrified, and her whole body started trembling. The cup tumbled from Draco’s hands and he was over to her in an instant, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her head to his shoulder. They’d never touched, not in a meaningful way, and he tensed slightly hoping he hadn’t been too forward. But, she collapsed into him and buried her face in the crook of his neck, breath coming in short gasps.

Hermione could feel the warmth from his body seeping into cold cracked places inside of her and his smell and the steady beat of his heart brought her back to herself. “I miss being fearless, feeling strong and whole and able to just go and do and be.” She admitted in a muffled voice. “Those are the little things no one talks about that depression and anxiety rob from you. It tried to sweep the best of me away.”

Draco rested his cheek on her head, an ache in his chest “But you are here” he whispered “It couldn’t take you.” Hermione raised her head and looked at him, eyes glittering with tears she refused to let fall. Draco smoothed her hair back and searched her face, unsure of what to say or do next.

Hermione gestured to a bench “Can we, can we sit? Stay. Just for a while?” She bit her lip and wouldn’t meet his eyes again. He tugged her over and they sat down. She curled up her legs and leaned against him, letting herself take the comfort he was offering as his hands smoothed her hair and his breathing anchored her. With anyone else she would have apologized, promised that she’d owe them one, but that urge didn’t come. He’d seen her, just like he’d said, and so she trusted he knew.

**

Hermione sat down at her desk the next morning, the swirling thoughts down to a dull roar in her brain. An envelope was laying there and she picked it up tentatively, shaking out the parchment and a small velvet bag. Unfolding the note she read the graceful script

_I’m not going to tell you_

_Your struggle is brave,_

_Because for most of us,_

_We’re just doing what we think we have to._

_So I’ll just say this:_

_it’s so fucking beautiful_

_the way you keep putting_

_one foot in front_

_of the other.*_

_~DM_

She opened the bag and shook it slightly, the contents tinkling as it fell onto her desk. A simple silver bracelet lay there, winking in the harsh glare of the light. She picked it up and inspected it, and an inscription on the inside caught her attention. _I’M STILL HERE_

Running her thumb along the letters she could almost feel Draco’s warmth and the steady, sure beat of his heart. Slipping the bracelet over her wrist it settled against her skin and warmed slowly. Taking a deep breath, she turned back to that day’s tasks.

*Sweatpants and Coffee

**Author's Note:**

> Written for myself, and for anyone else who is hoping or coping or hurting or healing. You are still here and that is fucking beautiful. 
> 
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/


End file.
